THE BIG ONE 

by Dan Bruskewicz

I say something so dumb

You smile and there is a child there

The one I like to visit

You laugh and there is a bird

Singing for themselves

Though anyone on the block can hear

The cat runs away at the sound

She was resting against my leg

She was on her side in that very traditional, elegant cat way

Lying between us with paws outstretched

And she darted away from the beautiful chaotic laugh

Like it was a god damn atomic bomb

She got the hell out of there

I wonder how big of a laugh it would take

For her to jump right through the front window

Hit the street running

and never return

Find another warm lap that smells decent

Your very best laughs can fill me up like a tank of gasoline

I can live off the fumes for weeks

You don’t know how close one of those big big bombs is

To crying

Until you really love someone.

There’s something so great and necessary that needs to come out

It’s been building for a while perhaps

You like to say: “The only way out is through”

A big laugh like that, when it gets that way

It feels like something wet in your throat

A wet vibrating current creating space

Surging

Then there is a saturation point

Once a ridiculous laugh touches this point

You could just as easily be crying

That’s the feeling I’m talking about

I’ve never heard you laugh quite like that with anyone else

I’m not a greedy man

But if I ever heard you laugh like that with someone else

I don’t know what the heck I would feel

I’m just being honest

That would be a fun one to unpack

Jesus

When a laugh reaches that point

Where it could just as well be a sob

That’s where love is somehow

Just waiting to come out for a brief moment

And scare everyone half to death