FIVE STEPS IN THE ART OF LEAVING

by Alisa Fomenko

Five Steps in the Art of Leaving -

So you've decided to leave your husband. It doesn't have to be

your husband. It could be that you're deciding to run away from

home. Perhaps you have a boyfriend who has hit you for the first

time, or parents who make you suicidal. It's alright. I've done this

before, I'll guide you.

And remember, it's not a science, it's an art.

Step 1 - Pick a Safe House

A safe house is designated as a place or area that is suitable for

protecting or concealing oneself. Another word for what you're

looking for is a refuge, or perhaps a sanctuary.

Do you need one? Oh yes.

There is no leaving unless you know where you're going. Trust

me, if you have no destination, someone else will decide it for

you. As the saying goes:

"Control your own destiny, or someone else will."

Your fate must be in your hands, even if they are shaking.

My plan is to move into the city. My husband, Nick, doesn't leave

the house unless it's to go to Costco or Olive Garden. He won't

notice I'm only half a city away, let alone down the block. Still, it

is safer to move forty minutes away, so you don't run into them

at the grocery store.

Still, I can't afford to move across the country. You probably can't

either.

It's best if your pursuer doesn't know where you go. The more

abrupt and far away you can make it, the better. But come on, it's

2025, we have to do our best.

It's important that you don't tell anyone you're planning. Nobody

except for your co-conspirators. You never know who will sing

like a bird for your pursuer, telling them everything.

The first time I left, my pursuer found me in twelve hours

because of this.

Step 2 - Take Charge of Your Money

Save as much money as you can. If you already have all the

money you need, that's great. I don't. I just spent all my money to

help my husband buy the house.

I have $1,300 in my bank account. That's not even enough to pay

rent for a month in my area. Traditional knowledge would ask

you to save more. It would be safer to save more, of course.

But I have to go now.

I have no choice.

Sometimes your pursuer has control of all your money. If you're

in a place where that is happening, survey your options. Skim

money off the top. Do your best.

Money isn't worth your life.

Step 3 - Pack Your Bags

A go bag is defined as a bag full of essential items, kept ready for

use in the case of emergency evacuation.

Make a go bag.

Pack light. Yes, if you love your labubu, go ahead and pack that,

but everything should fit in a single backpack. We as people love

to overpack. All you need is five sets of underwear, socks, and

two changes of clothes. Pack something you can interview in, if

you can. That will help. Pack any legal documentation you have.

Who cares about the rest?

If you're not in an emergency situation, you might have enough

time to pack the trunk of your car, but don't take anything that

he's going to fight you for.

Don't look back. You are more important than your things.

I have a drink of coffee as I get ready in the morning. It is

snowing outside. He is completely unaware.

The coffee is cold. His coffee is hot. He is smiling. I am smiling.

We are all smiling. I wait for him to go downstairs so he can start

his work from home.

I put the cold cup of coffee on the table and finish loading the car.

Step 4 - Manage Their Feelings

They want it to be your fault if you leave.

That might be a good thing. It might be a bad thing.

When you leave someone, they will obviously be upset and

wonder what they did wrong. For an abuser, that is a horrible

place to be. Research shows that victims of an abuser are most at

risk when their abuser is emotionally in turmoil.

If you're in this situation, I'm sure you already know that when

they're upset, they're more likely to snap.

So if your pursuer is your abuser, you quit them cold turkey.

There is no safe place for you. There is no managing their

feelings except to cut them off as abruptly as possible. Managing

their feelings looks like this:

Call his therapist or mother, and tell them that he's going

through something.

"Going through what?"

"I don't know. But he's not acting right."

I did this back in 2015 when I left my ex-boyfriend.

I was gone before they could figure out the problem, and as soon

as he found out, his friend was already there, watching him.

Abusers will rarely abuse when someone is watching them.

If your pursuer is not an abuser (perhaps they are just an asshole),

then you must do the opposite. You have to become the villain,

not the one they can win back.

My husband is in the second category. It's an improvement,

honestly, for me.

I want this to be easy for him, so I throw the empty coffee cup

against the wall.

"What the fuck is that?" He calls from the basement, his office.

"I'm tired of this!" I scream back, throwing the next cup, and then

the teapot.

There is a certain magnificence to shattering.

"What are you tired of?!" He shouts, his voice confused, coming

up the stairs. "Are you okay?!"

It is a theatrical display. I twist my face into rage.

"I'm tired of you!" I shout. "And I've found a new man. Leave me

alone."

"What?"

"Get away from me."

I storm out of the house.

Step 5 - Disappear. This is the most crucial step.

Now you've managed their feelings. They're confused. They're

lost. They don't know what's going on.

It's at this point that you drop off the face of the planet.

When you leave the house, you go directly to T-Mobile or

Sprint, or Verizon and pick up a new phone. Don't transfer your

number. Get a new one. Transfer your old contacts, then throw

your old phone into a lake.

If they're following you, go to the police station. Tell them you're

scared for your life. If you can't go to a police station, go to the

hospital. Tell them that you're having a heart attack. Tell them

that a crazy person is stalking you and you can't let them in.

If your friends send you emails or Facebook messages, tell them

you're doing great, but say nothing else. Right now, they are the

enemy. They'll tell your pursuer, I promise. Call your mom and

cry to her if you have to, but only if you're totally sure she won't

tell. If she, even a little bit, likes your pursuer, don't trust her.

Not yet.

Just remember. You are free. Leave it behind.

And if they find you, don't come home. Rinse and repeat.